Panic attacks are frightening, exhausting, and confusing. They can come out of nowhere; in my case, they're almost always while I'm sleeping -- or while waking up. Almost every one follows on the heels of a vivid nightmare.
Yesterday's panic attack actually began the previous night when sleep evaded me. My heart seemed to be pounding right out of my chest and I knew sleep was going to be dicey. As is often the case, insomnia sends me to another room where I can read or listen to a book without keeping my husband awake.
Two hours later, I fell into a restless sleep but awoke after only one hour, the book still playing in my ear. I went back to sleep but woke again two hours later when a nightmare, followed by a full-fledged panic attack, woke me. I moved back to our bedroom and drifted in and out, waking hours later with the usual brain zaps and foot tingles that follow a panic attack. It's so hard to describe these to someone who has never had one. The brain zaps are electrical shock sensations in the brain and often occur while decreasing a medication such as an antidepressant. They're also common with panic attacks, which can occur with anxiety, stress, or fatigue -- or a combination.
I had my first panic attack while shopping with my daughter, then a college student majoring in psychology. I've forgotten what preceded that but I do remember that she took my arm and gently steered me out of the store, saying "...fight or flight, Mom..." My own psych courses were at least 30 years prior to that and those discussions were lost somewhere at the back of my mind. She explained it more in depth and fortunately I didn't have another for at least a decade.
This time, I was determined to restore my equilibrium so rode my Elliptigo long stride indoor rather than running into 20 mph winds again. After 90 minutes, I still felt shaky. While drinking some hot English breakfast tea, I tried to explain to my husband, but ended up in a sobbing meltdown. To settle my nerves, I listened to a 10-minute ocean meditation and a hot shower.
That numbed some of the symptoms, but the brain zaps and tingling feet continued off and on for about 7 hours. A long walk in one of those weirdly springlike February days -- 50 degrees, bright sun, and blue skies -- finally helped to clear my mind.
More than 12 hours had passed since I woke in a panic, leaving a dull headache and uneasy stomach.
For the first time in a few years, I took a suggestion from my therapist by starting to write down my feelings. I've done this before but never publicly. This stuff is hard to talk about but it can also be somewhat cathartic.
If by opening myself up, I help someone else to understand, I'm glad I've done this. If it causes a skeptic to carefully consider and try to better understand the realities of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, then I'm even happier.
Last night I fell asleep fairly quickly and slept for nearly 7 hours straight -- unusual for me. My head has cleared and I feel much stronger today. The upside is that I've realized yet again the importance of self care.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), "Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact."
Note: I am not a professional in mental or physical health. There is so much more information available on the realities of panic attacks and their causes and symptoms -- this is just an example of my own experiences. Anyone who has similar experiences should always seek help from a professional.